My interest turned to a burning desire
Turned to a short lived infatuation
Turned to a complete obsession
Turned to continuous and brutal self torture.
That pretty much sums it all up.
The first step is admitting that you have a problem.
I’m starting to believe I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t like having things I want but can’t have in front of me.
I have never felt like such an emotional wreck before. I’ve had way worse break ups than this one but for some reason this is the one that hurts the most. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I was rejected? Because I knew what went wrong, I know how to fix it now, but I can’t ever have that chance of redemption again? Because I fucked it up when I was given the chance the first time, but I was not in the right mindset to apply changes? Maybe because it was perfect at first… But things went wrong because of my needs. Perhaps because I had high hopes for the future, but instead I clung on too tightly.
This break up was meant to be “for the best.” It’s almost been a month and I’m still in grief. One second I’ll be fine and dandy but the next I’ll be sobbing and heaving short breaths. Every week I tell myself, “no more tears for this, okay?” but something always triggers my emotions and I break that promise to myself.
I’m so pathetic. Why do I still want to be with him when our relationship was running dry? I keep asking myself this and I think I finally know the answer. It’s because I miss what it was at first. The person I was a year ago is not the same person I am today. Back then I was happy and content. But the months of school drew on and I became stoic, apathetic, careless. I didn’t see the point in anything. So when all my friends left me, when I saw no point in school, when my parents were disappointed in me, I turned to him for complete emotional support. He gave it to me, but it was not enough for me. I always wanted more. And that was my mistake. I didn’t know how to self empower and draw inner strength. I didn’t know how to self satisfy and be content with solitude. I wanted everything from him, and when he couldn’t give it to me, I would emotionally explode. I think I gave him too much of a burden by being with me. That’s enough to scare anybody away, isn’t it?
Now that he’s forced me away, now that I’m completely on my own to cope with this… What am I supposed to do?
We’re still “friends,” whatever that means. Quite frankly I think he’s still talking to me because he pities me and he want me to believe that he cares about me. He says he understands what I’m going through but he never wants to listen to what I have to say. He acts, quite frankly, and often times, like an asshole. Most times I just don’t even speak my mind because I know he’ll blow up and yell at me or ignore what I have to say and piss me off more.
Well, luckily humans are adaptable creatures. Usually, whenever everything is okay, I can get by the day just fine. I’m always by myself now. Always in my room doing something. I’ve put myself in solitary confinement.
It just hurts because I was forced into this situation. He broke up with me when I made it clear I didn’t want to. And he doesn’t even feel a thing.
Nobody should ever take away someone else’s happiness… But when they take yours away, you kind of just have to deal with it.
Things have been looking up. Life isn’t so dreadful anymore, though I do occasionally get annoyed with little things. I’m not feeling as existential as I usually do. Maybe it’s because a lot of opportunities have come up. Working on projects, challenging my creativity and actually getting good nights of sleep has helped. My new iPhone 4S has definitely contributed tons thanks to its amazing camera. I’ve been asked to do a few projects for pay, though nothing is certain yet. And, I’m going to SXSW for free when passes run up to $950. Another thing; my amazing boyfriend has been going through something similar that I put myself into-, questioning the path we chose to follow in life. And I think it’s great that we help each other out through this strange time in our lives.
I started this draft in earlier this year in mid March.
It’s amazing how much has(n’t) changed.
C, D, L, L, and A:
I’m sorry for what I did to you. I often think I’m selfless and righteous, but I’ve come to realize that trying to be like that makes things worse, one way or another. If I sacrificed something for someone, it meant taking something away from someone else. If I gave my time to someone, I’d rob that time from someone else. I tried to do what I thought was best in the circumstances, but I know I ended up hurting you one way or another. And if it wasn’t me hurting you, it was you hurting me. I’m sorry I took you and what you wanted for granted. I, at the very end, became a selfish person indeed.
T and A:
I don’t know what happened. Actually, I do. I was just your tool. I fell for your words, your charms, your “connectedness.” I thought I was special but… That was just another one of your facades.
What you want from me is something I cannot give you. But you already know this. And yet you keep coming back. I wish things were different, but they are how they are. And that remains.
I am quick to judge. And you know this. I never wanted this to happen, and yet it has. I only hope I can still call you my friend, despite all my personality flaws. But I don’t know how to approach you after I’ve been replaced.
- lied to
I just need to gtfo of this
all I want is to
- move on
- move away
- listen to myself
- convince myself
- go back to the way things were before all this happened
I honestly wish my parents would stop trying to control my life and tell me how to live.
Granted, they provide me with shelter, food, and all the things I could ever ask for. They’re paying for my college 100%, they’ve bought me a brand new car, brand new camera, brand new laptop, brand new TV, brand new PS3, brand new iPhone, etc.
So maybe I do feel obliged to do what they ask of me and expect of me. So I settled for the University of Texas, I’m going to stay living with them for the next four years or 6 years, I’ve always been a good student, I apologize when I’m wrong, I come home at decent hours. But there is one thing that they expect of me I cannot stand. And that’s their judgement of the people I spend my time with, especially my boyfriend.
In addition to imposing her belief that nobody should ever be trusted, my mom blatantly told me today that she doesn’t like my boyfriend. Why? Because he’s much older and he doesn’t have what she considers an education, aka a degree, which apparently means that I’m going to marry him (because she thinks that I know all my life decisions already) and he wouldn’t be able to support me. Even after several dozen times of me informing that he is indeed going to school, she thinks he isn’t. So what if it took him 7 years to go back to school? Not everybody is an academic, and not everybody has to do what society expects them to. He’s gone through four degree changes, and is finally going back to where he started; music.
You know what that tells me? If you continue to live your life under somebody else’s expectations, happiness and satisfaction is impossible. That’s why I chose to major in film, and said fuck it to pre-pharm or chem (granted I do enjoy chemistry, I just know I wouldn’t succeed in it). For the past few months, I was questioning my choice in what I wanted to do for the next four years of my life. But after attending orientation, I’ve finally realized that this is what I really want to do (even though I’ll be surrounded by idiots).
And besides, I think I might even branch off into double majoring in anthropology, since most of the requirements as an RTF major have natural and social/behavioral sciences listed underneath them. I think I’ll divulge into geological sciences and anthropology. Hey, I might be a documentary type person.
In any case, my boyfriend may be young at heart, and started school late. But quite honestly none of that really applies to me, and I really couldn’t care what he does with his education, because I’ll be pursuing with my own education and myself is all I need to worry about. What matters is that he’s finally found what he really wants to do, and he has the extreme potential to be good at it. That’s all that matters to me.
Okay, I’m done venting. Bye.